10 favourite memories of my big brother, Andrew

5 years ago I was on my annual summer jollies in Cornwall. My brother Andrew was in hospital.

He had on several occasions been in hospital over the previous few years with water retention connected to his pacemaker. I wasn't thinking anything about it as I went in. The sun was shining. A quick visit, some Lucozade, a few magazines and then off to the beach.

This time was however different, the nurse with his permission told me that he may need a heart transplant. I still shudder remembering that moment and realise how fragile and uncertain everything really is.

As I have written previously on this blog everything accelerated quickly over the next few days. Two weeks later we sat together as a family while the doctors turned off the machines. The first few days and weeks felt like they went on a lifetime, so it is hard to believe that was 1,811 days ago. I don't have any words to describe how much I miss what we had or what I hoped we would have together for another 20, 30 years or more.

Tonight, without planning, thanks to COVID19 I am on a different kind of annual leave; spending the evening on my own and so I decided to spend some time thinking about my top 25 memories. Initially it was going to be 50 but that felt too easy. Here are 10 of those 25. I may add in the others another time, but tonight I am exhausted from too much happy laughing and crying, so 10 will have to do.

As context - Andrew was 4 years older than me, didn't like or pretended not to like animals, was a hard core trucker and thought I was an affected, posh, pony club, academic twit (my interpretation of his words, not his actual words) who later went on to be his embarrassing gay brother who moved to London.

1. When Andrew was in an induced coma he held my hand and used it as a gear stick to reverse the bloody trucks into the garage. It hurt. I was sobbing, laughing and my hand was hurting - never underestimate the strength of someone in a coma. If I had to choose one memory that would be it. Whatever else happens to me, I hope that I never forget that experience. 
2. Boxing Day (2013), we were watching Mama Mia in Trebarwith. He was drunk and kept jumping in front of the TV like an alien in one of the 3 games we had for our VIC 20 computer in 1982! That was the last time I saw him really relaxed and happy. 
3. In my speech at our civil partnership I said that everything Mum and Dad had taught us could be summarised in the well know quote 'work hard, play hard and be kind'. I saw him cry as I said it. I was holding it together well until that moment!
4. At said civil partnership, we had a Dolly Parton tribute act (don't judge it was brilliant) and my darling introverted Andrew donned a Dolly wig and danced like an angel (well danced...)
5. When I was about 30 one of his trucker friends, Rob, messaged me on Facebook to say that Andrew had text him to say I was going to be on Radio 4 Woman's Hour and he needed to listen. When I told Andrew that Rob had messaged me and told me he was proud of me, Andrew punched me like I was 12 and told me not to be so bloody stupid, how would he know I was on the Radio. 
6. There was a disco called Highermead in Camelford where we could get served alcohol when I was 14 (it was the 80s and it is closed now). Mum and Dad were away. Andrew was looking after me. We went to Highermead together. He bought me a few drinks and 10 Benson and Hedges. I walked over to him at the end of the night when he was trying to go in for the snog with someone. I was sick at their feet. Really sick. He walked me home holding me up by the back of my shirt. That is love. Or something.
7. I loved ponies and horses from day one and was lucky to be able to borrow and have some on loan when I was growing up. First he disliked Tommy, then he used to ridicule Frosty who was my dream pony. One day I had tied her up outside our house and she got loose. I had never seen Andrew run so fast before or after. The cool nonchalence when he handed her back was something to be admired. I teased him about how much he liked 'My little pony' forever more. 
8. Andrew failed his driving test the first time. He thought I was the worst driver ever. Dad and I argued relentlessly about my crap driving. Andrew was both hopeful and sure I would fail at least three times. But I passed first time. It was a time before mobile phones so I think my folks took me to his work to tell him. When he found out - at his work or at home - I remember he was seething. I would be lying if I said I wasn't thrilled after months of his ribbing about my bad driving.  
9. Andrew did a YTS scheme when he left school. He had to go to college once a week. I knew he had been bunking off and lied to Mum when she asked me. I said I had seen him getting on the bus. Truth is I had seen him leg it up the hill away from the bus. When he got found out, somehow I got a clipped ear for lying (Mum are you reading this?). I realised that day if I hadn't before that parenting is hard!
10. When we were kids there was a sweet shop about a mile away that was open 12 - 2 on Sundays (think Cornwall in the 70s). We had to walk through a field of geese to get there. We must have been about 5 and 9 years old, maybe 6 and 10. The geese decided to chase us on the way back. He was trying to act brave and cool. Then they all stopped chasing me and turned on him. It was terrifying and I wet myself 'just a little bit'. I pretended I had wet myself laughing at him rather than wet myself in terror. He did one of those horrible arm burns that only big brothers can do. I got my own back by giving him a sweet with the hand I had used to try and unsuccessfully stop myself weeing.  

10 memories amongst many, that I treasure as I continue to make the uneasy adjustment to being Simon Blake without my big brother, Andrew Blake, alive.