Simon Blake

 My darling Mum died peacefully at home yesterday (New Years Eve) at about 6am.  It wasn't quite how I had imagined it. Dad and I were asleep, Dad in the same room as Mum, me less than 3 metres away and I heard a gentle knock on the door. Alison from Marie Curie had been with us a few nights before and I knew she only knocked if there was something wrong.  I also knew from the gentleness of this knock that she was going to tell me Mum had died. Those dreaded words we knew were coming but never wanted to hear. Alison had woken me so I could tell Dad. Dad's first reaction through howls of pain was exactly the same as my quiet thought had been. 'I wasn't there. I wanted to be there, I should have been there'. He was there. He was in bed right next to her but we weren't awake and holding her hand.  Truth is we had started the day time vigil but we didn't think she was going to die that quickly. And we were both knackered. We had been awake for over 48 hours beca...

It is over three months since Mum's diagnosis of late stage cancer. Three months since our lives changed and we started adapting to a new version of reality.  The words have perhaps not quite yet sunk in, but whether they have sunk in or not, the truth is there in our day to day lives. Mum is dying and the best clinical prediction at the time of diagnosis is that she had 'months rather than years' to live. Three of those months gone already.  As Doctor Kathryn Mannix says in this brilliant short video  https://www.bbc.co.uk/ideas/videos/dying-is-not-as-bad-as-you-think/p062m0xt    'we have stopped talking about dying and that is in fact a problem'.  That is why I am writing this blog. W e have to talk about death and dying so we can take better care of the dying person, help them prepare for their death and ensure their wishes are heard and taken care of; so we can take better care of each other through the process of a loved one dying and prepare ourselves...

A couple of weeks ago, the ever wise, Julie Bentley wrote a blog about the end of life https://juliebentley1969.wixsite.com/website/post/thinking-about-the-end-of-life, and why we need to talk about illness, the end of life, death and dying.  Unsurprisingly given how wise Julie is and that we share a lot of values, I completely agree. My brother died 5 years ago, and I was surprised just how hard some people still find it to talk about death, about dying and about grief.  When Andrew died lots of people acknowledged his death, asked questions, asked me how I was, and shared their own personal experiences. There was also a lot of silence or skirting around the issue. Other folk seemed to want to make it better with warm and incredibly well meaning platitudes: I was regularly told 'he wouldn't want you to be sad' or 'at least he isn't hurting now'.  I was (and still am) sad, and I am glad he isn't hurting any longer, but it still hurts. Few people seemed comfo...